Hurting.

This is where the healing begins.  [ June 2nd, 2010 ]

**
I’m so.. confused.

Right now, I KNOW that I’m in THE right place, at THE right time, doing THE right thing..

with the right person.

However, I’m experiencing such.. discomfort.. insecurity.. disheartenment!.. and
fear.

Why?  Well yeah, admittedly, I received an email (today) from Mr. David, stating that I “made him sick” and he was throwing away
everything I had given him in to the “dump”.. that I was ruining my life and everyone else’s.. and,
yes, that did make me feel pretty LOUSY. 
But.. even before then, before 20 minutes ago, all morning – all evening – ALL WEEK.. I’ve felt..
like I’m not Rose! 
Who am I?
**

How can it be this way..
that when everything IS so right, (for I know of a certainty that it is)
it should feel completely.. wrong – foreign –
forbidding?

Ah, so many changes.  So many changes.. ~

It’s as though –
I was living on a quiet street, in a small and cozy home, enclosed with brightly colored walls
and wearing pretty clothes. 
I was.. comfortable.  I was, defined.  I was
STABLE.

And then!.. in a matter of what seemed SECONDS, dreadfully awful, dramatic and devastating
SECONDS.. I feel a rush, see everything turn to black, and sense myself falling, just CRASHING,
to the floor..
no,

falling right into the earth.
Beneath the rubble.
Completely, buried.
Hidden away, dying, and so afraid.  No one knows I’m here!  So no one will come looking,
and I’ll receive NO help,
NO consolation.

Then, I wake up..
and I’m walking down  a strange and unfamiliar road… toward a house that was abandoned long ago..
built of walls made of stone – a prison, a tomb –
and I’m wearing rags instead of gold.

It’s, strange.  It’s.. very lonely!.. and it’s also inescapable.
That’s the scary part.
  I can’t leave this place.

AND THEN!.. a boy shows up beside me, and takes my hand.
Then, I feel at home riiiight where I am.  (He’s been here for awhile, but I just now notice him – really, notice and appreciate him)
It’s like, he carries with him.. magic!
Color, light.. fabric, drapes,.. smiles and hugs
that keep me safe.

Well.  That.. is all silly.  But it’s true.
The only thing that makes sense in my life right now,
is Christopher.
I’m holding on to him in my heart, unbeknownest to anyone, with all fervor, all devotion..
he is the dream I hold to –
the hope that I CLING to..
and the love that I believe in.
  He’s my best friend.. and the only one who can possibly understand, and thereby,
free

me.

And God.
Of course.. I trust my Lord. 
I haven’t always and it.. this trust.. isn’t yet what I want it to be – nor what it SHOULD be..
neither will it ever be, on this side of the moon.
But I do trust Him; there is a reason I’m here, a reason that everything has changed so drastically, so dramatically..
and the reason,

well..
I’m proud to say that I don’t know.  🙂
You know why I’m proud?

Because.. I’ve never felt this way before.
I always needed to know, foresee everything that would befall and bless me..
give my consent to His gentle reproving hand and guide Him to make the choices
I wanted him to.

Now.. in the poppy words of Francesa Baticelli,
“I’m letting go, of the life I planned for me.. and my dreams;
I’m losing control – of my destiny,
it feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe, and..
it feels like I’m falling-
this is the life for me.”

AunAqui

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