Kosher pizza, religious drag and tomfoolery.

 <– Jan. 
^ L-R, Jan and I. 
 
“You’re much too young to be in love.”
“Just let me run where I want to run..
Just let me love
who
I
want.”
*
Today was lovely.
I woke up sad..

Boyfriend and I were up very late discussing religion last night.

He and I have “differences..” points of.. contention? We just,

don’t see things the same way.. atleast, not yet.  We’re both pretty convinced, but we’re both also searching.

Trying to trust that God is NOT the author of confusion.. but is, instead,

the Beginning and the End, Alpha and Omega, Knower of all,

Creator of all, our Best Friend, Teacher, Guide – One who thinks good thoughts of and toward us, and Who will allow no one (who is sincere and open minded) to be misled.

There is so much out there.. so many options.

Religion is like a buffet.

You go through a line, pick what you want (that which you are naturally inclined towards liking),

leave what you don’t,

and thus it is born! a self-created, custom made, “just for you, the shoe fits, the book is nice to read”

faith.

There is one Lord, one faith, one baptism.

Christ has one fold, but many sheep in OTHER folds…

so where is that one place?

I’d like to be there..

I don’t want to wait “forever” to find out,

I don’t want to always wonder and constantly doubt

that I’m teaching

THE truth (because yes, I’m one of those “absolute” people; there’s [right] and then a whole lot of

).

Otherwise, what is the point? If you aren’t sure, certain, confident, .. come on, to base your life around an uncertainty.. to let it govern all that you are and say and think and choose and do? Really?

God is love, – He is merciful, longsuffering, abundant in goodness and truth..

full of grace, so full of compassion..

We are admonished to be perfect, even as our Father in HEAVEN is perfect,

and Amen! how beautiful is the thought,

the reality!,

that we CAN be. Hallelujah, PRAISE the Lord.

Isn’t that what we WANT?

I don’t know about you, but..

as a musician who professes to love, music.. I would be THRILLED, were

I to discover that I could be payed to make cd’s and perform. It would be a “dream come true.”

That, is the goal.  The hope.  The fantasy.

And so, as a christian, does it really make sense to say that you love and want to be like, Christ,

if in reality you.. don’t?

The strength is available, the resolve is possible, the wisdom is offered.. and you would reject? you could “do without”?

Is it sin you want to be saved from.. or in?

And if you don’t,– if you DONT want to reflect Christ, in all of His love, perfection, and beauty– where is this religion taking you — where is this relationship going?

Would you really want to dwell in a place like heaven – a kingdom, the ruling principles of which

are unselfish love and obedience to God, King?

And prophecy.

I don’t know about you guys..

to me, it (prophecy) is affirming – fascinating.. it holds my interest, keeps me searching, impresses me with the grand truths of the Bible, the fast-approaching, culminative events SOON to take place.. it’s a gift, it’s beautiful. And it’s hard to explain to someone that God’s love can be expressed through such a medium..

I would say, that His love is made manifest in that,

He wants to keep nothing from us.

And (not but), He is wise.

He doesn’t give us an entire view of the map at the onset of the journey, or even in middle or right at the end; He shows us just alittle at a time, revealing more and more as we progress further and further – upward and onward..

He gives truth “especially adapted to the needs of God people at that time.”

He does nothing, without revealing His secret to His servants, the prophets. (Amos)

He prepares us – as any true friend, or good father, would – for judgment, for crisis, for devastation

and for glory.

This life, is a preparation for the next..

and while I prepare,

I plan on enjoying every second.

This human, mortal life is the experience of a “lifetime..” haha

a small pocket of eternity which I do hope to always remember, and never forget.

Anyways, moving on.

Yes, I was sad this morning, but, after morning worship, found out class was suspended until next week when we will return from GC. We’re leaving tomorrow morning (for Atlanta, GA) and all of the adults needed to make “necessary preparations.” At first, I was disappointed; “What am I going to do all day? I HATE wasting time..” but, then I decided to seek the Lord and discover WHAT HIS plans were, and, they were for me to spend time with Him..

alone.

So, I walked to town, messenger bag hanging from my right shoulder and bouncing onto and off of my left hip as I moved, journal and Bible in hand.  I turned left into the schoolyard and sat down upon a bench, squarely facing a brick wall. It was sunny, abit overcast, and windy. The air was warm with little, intermittent, chilly gusts keeping the temperature very-well balanced.

It was perfect.

I began with a prayer and opened up to Isaiah 55, – the same chapter Chris (boyfriend) had told me that he had read the day previous. So, I was pleased at the coincidence (rather, providence) and read all the way through to Isaiah 66, highlighting as I went. Beautiful chapters; the Lord will purify His latter day church and she will be a beacon of light for all the world.. and does this not inspire hope? a fervent desire to RETURN to the Lord wholeheartedly, so that we all — each one — can play a part in this grand work.. this final ingathering..

I then read a chapter out of Patriarchs and Prophets, by Mrs. EG White. There, I learned afew interesting things.. (this chapter was based on Genesis chapter 3 – “The Temptation and the Fall”) She gives such wonderful insight..

-Self justification: the spirit of __, originated with Satan, passed on to Adam and Eve, and has continued ever since. Even the blessings of God are sometimes used against Him; ex, Adam blaming Eve – his beloved wife, God’s gift – for his sin.

-Adam, who out of LOVE for Eve, forfeited God’s approval, the Eden home and eternal, joyous life, AFTER the fall, turned on her, his wife, and blamed both her and the Creator for his sin.

-Sin: is more than believing a lie; it is DISTRUSTING God’s love and DOUBTING His wisdom.

-“Tasting FRUIT? Too small a transgression for consequences of such a severe nature to result.” Well, untrue. God was MERCIFUL, to have placed such a LIGHT prohibition upon Adam and Eve! If it had been a larger matter, people would, today, excuse “small disobediences” (sins) as trivial and of little import and consequence. How wise is God?

-“It is IMPOSSIBLE to keep God’s law.” FALSE. God didn’t set Adam and Eve up to fail; they had the power to choose to be loyal and obedient or rebellious and defying. We have that same choice; can follow our carnal hearts in their rebellion from God and desire for sin OR we can, with JESUS’ power, overcome every and all bad habits/ tendencies/ desires.

**

So yes. It was a lovely reading, and I then re-read the first three chapters of Genesis.

Beautiful way to start the day, Bible studying from 9-11. I then returned to campus, entered my dorm room and layed down for abit, resting before lunch. We had cabbage, tofu and veggie meat. 🙂 Aren’t details fascinating?

As I layed there, I tried to think of nothing.. but it’s so hard, to just be.  It’s so hard to live presently.. atleast, for me it is.  There’s always something to observe, analyze, regret, remember, anticipate, dread, or long for.  The present is never satisfying enough; it leaves me discontented.. MOST of the time.. there are precious moments when I can just “be” – and it is those times when I feel the most alive, the most sensible, the most.. focused.

Afterwards,- after lunch, that is,- Jan and I got permission to “go to town” for some last-minute “trip stuff.” We got tiny, compact little bottles of shampoo, body wash, face wash, etc.. we were also terrible people and got chocolate pudding and [Little Debbie] cosmic brownies (which were eaten in the car). The pudding was atleast SOMEWHAT nutritious, or atleast it CLAIMED to be — made with dark chocolate, ‘packed with vitamins and minerals,’ ‘a good source of antioxidants.’

Well, it’s lovely to hear, and wonderful to believe –

so, I’ll just eat pudding, smile, and play along. ~

On the way home, Jan decided that she simply HAD to have pizza before our trip to Atlanta (whereat there would be noooo opportunity of doing so in the company of all of the Scribes, Pharisees and Lawyers) and so, as a compromise, we stopped at a Jewish cafe, where they sold KOSHER pizza (and really, it’s almost as good as the “real” thing, — atleast to me, it is comparable). It was nice.. the employees (Jewish, duh) were surprisingly, somewhat, friendly! A couple of the guys were playing on a classical guitar, so I made small talk with them as our food was being prepared. The only woman, was an elderly lady named Rosa. As we sat in the dining room, eating, I saw her walk out afew times and survey the room, smile – contented -, and walk away. You could just tell she wanted people to be happy;

that’s what made her happy. How sweet, how simple.. how refreshing.

It was nice.. I told the workers to give my compliments to the cook, Rosa, and offered a “God bless you.” I would have said “Jesus loves you,” but, you know..

just wasn’t the time or place.

We (Jan and I) stopped by a park on the way home.. (by park, I mean – there were beautiful trees, green grass, a pretty blue sky and a picnic table).. we layed down on top of it, and looked up into the sky, at the clouds,

for just a little while.

I remember doing it before, of course.. who hasn’t..

but it had been awhile.  It was very neat.. finding, in the white puffiness, images — creatures, people,– things that would change shape slowly and transform into whatever you perceived them to be.  Not much to say about it, just, that we did,

and that I enjoyed it.

David.

I haven’t thought about him in awhile, but, the past few days my mind has been reverting to the past. We were so close, so happy, so in love.. I’ve realized, it wasn’t fake, we WERE (in love).. it wasn’t a lie, it was real. It wasn’t a dream – it all happened, and, over a considerably long period of time.

How is that possible?

We were very much together.

So why did it end?

What happened? Who changed? and How is it that love can die into meaning nothing,

scarcely seeming to have ever existed?

It’s like a part of you is taken away – and in it’s place, a milder, calmer, more sensible, more experienced,

more sensitive, but stronger.. part of you.. is born.

The feeling is foreign, bewildering, scary, unsettling..

not that I miss it, or him– but that I wonder,

now, forever-

in what can we stake all of our trust?

God, of course– but are we never able to SAFELY depend on another?

Can we really be sure of any earthly allegiance?

It pains me, breaks my heart, to think that we can’t..

I want so much to believe that there is true love, love that will wait, love that will dedicate itself,

love that will manifest itself always in sweet, soft utterings, gentle reproofs, staunch loyalty, sincere affection..

that if you were to disappear, on a desert island, for 10 years..

when you got back-

you could know, full well, that.. they had waited for you.

That you were.. worth it.

I guess the strongest, raging fire can be put out by the wind, in the rain.

I guess there is nothing to trust and believe in, everything is going to cave.

I just hope that this..

what I have now..

won’t end the same way.

And you thought that it was right..

you just, didn’t know for sure.

Yeah, you wanted to believe it was “light”-

that all pervading dark.

~ Just finished leading out the group’s evening worship; Nephatali wasn’t here, so, I filled in last minute.

It is just simply my calling;

to be a teacher. 

I am more sure of it now than I ever have been.  Nothing comes so naturally,

feels so right, fulfills me so fully.. as educating others.  Loving others.  Caring for, understanding, helping (and being helped by) — others.  God, equip me – sanctify me wholly.. UNMASK error, reveal truth, discipline this wreck,

soften this heart,

clean this mind,

and make it clear enough,

so that it is able to conceive

all that you would like

for me to know, believe,

and teach. 

It is always, and ever will be, my prayer, that I should be a blessing, and receive a blessing..

make it so.

Going on a walk.. taking a shower.. studying..

and spending time with the love of my life –

the last..

and really, actually, the only.

Christopher Andrew Y********.

❤ 0529. 4763. 

    And you’ll never know what these numbers mean.

-Aun Aqui

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