the exercise of greater faith..
the sacrifice of reputation,
Well, I had been wearing a sad countenance.. just because, I take life very seriously –
the pain of people, places and things.. the joy, the passion and meaning, the apathy and
bleeding.. the excitement, and devastation — confusion and frustration — of, in, about,
The best way I know how to protect and defend myself is through, distance.
In every relationship that I hold, from friends to family members, there is this.. reserve..
this boundary.. this veil, that the other does not perceive, but that I know is there.
Those are the only words usable that can somewhat describe this state I find myself in;
unable to trust.. unable to invest very much myself into other people for fear of being let down, neglected, rejected, or just misused, and unappreciated.
Being different, unusual, misunderstood, has always been “me.” What makes me feel, special.. unique.. ALMOST as important as everyone else.
Is it an inferiority issue? a complex?
Since I’m nowhere near normal and pretty and smart enough to fit into the “average”
I’ll just get as far away from it as I possibly can.
Create my own world, where in this sphere, what matters is that
you are enjoying
You are learning.
You are trying to understand..
trying to gleen knowledge, lesson, instruction, wisdom from EVERYTHING.
And the best way to accomplish that, is to observe.. and occasionally, to participate in society.
live on the outside.
That is where you, belong.
And so, I do all I can to help the world,
but I refuse what assistance it would offer.
And so I love, everyone, especially the friendless..
but don’t let anyone
really care about me..
don’t want anyone,
to really care about me. ~
There is only one person who I confide in and make myself vulnerable to almost completely,
very honestly and fully, and that is Christopher. He doesn’t know all of the details of my life.. all the longings, aspirations, dreams in my heart (along with the parts of it that have died).. he doesn’t know the contents of every crevice in my mind.. but he doesn’t have to. He can know the answer to whatever he asks — and THAT is what I’m talking about.
So that’s why, I guess, I’m so dependent on him, so attached..
why it’s so hard to be so very far away from him.
I feel alone.. wherever else I am, unless it’s with him.
I feel alone.. no matter who I’m with –
unless I’m with him.
But sometimes, I believe, it (my loneliness, the feeling of it) is because I choose to be alone.
It’s easier to live that way — it’s the “worst case scenario” that you don’t need to fear anymore because, you’re already there.
Yes, Chris and I talked that evening for awhile, and it just changed me. I realized,
I am still essentially “me..” that weird, unclassified, girl..
but that I need to smile with more than my lips,
and hug with more than my arms.
I need to be less defensive..
and if not remove entirely, atleast LOWER, my guard.
I love people so much..
but oh, I just have to be alone..
so much of the time.
More than I’ve ever known,
I’m a real recluse, hermit, introvert..
and yet so happy, so social, such a lover of humanity and it’s society..
I’m an ambivert. It’s, totally 50/50. I enjoy time spent alone more than I could describe.
After our conversation, which ended around 12:30 am, Jan and I decided that we were hungry.
So, we crept down the stairs, tip-toed into the kitchen, and warmed up some leftover, strange, “tofu-and-yellow-squash” dish. I also grabbed afew crackers with hummus. And with that, we returned to our dorm room.
Some time afterwards, I began talking with a friend on the internet (will not disclose the name) and
found that she was very sad, very depressed, and so I went back downstairs, where the public phone is located, and we had a good conversation. Realized, that although our circumstances and – generally, lives – are very different.. our feelings, fears, are so similar..
it’s a lack of trust, in humanity.
it’s a lack of faith, in ourselves..
it’s the direction we’re missing – the instability we’re experiencing..
and while this instability results from an off-and-on relationship with God, one of the biggest factors is a lack of longlasting, enduring, concrete relationships in life. Lack of well-defined family relationships.. little strength and committment in earthly friendships..
and just being a teenager.
Not having enough confidence, or knowledge of purpose, to feel important, worthwhile, and beautiful on your own.
We had a prayer, at my request, before departing..
and what was so unusual was that, I began to cry.. and couldn’t stop it – couldn’t fight it off, which.. usually, I am very NON-expressive around people. I became very overwhelmed with a sense of love and deep, genuine, sincere concern for this girl, this friend.. and I just wished with all of my heart that she would be okay; that God would break the spell of the enemy, who was tormenting her by affecting her heart.. and putting doubts into her mind.. scribbling all over every page in her life “You change all the time; you don’t know who you are, and no one else does either. Might as well give up now, because you’ll never have anything to believe in, or anyone to count on.”
and so, we parted company and I walked back up the stairs, slowly, wiping all the tears from my eyes and reassuring, convincing myself, that my roommate wouldn’t notice.
Also found out a couple days ago that one of my friends (again, unnamed) was sexually abused – for years – by a family member. It made me very sad.. and I can see now, clearer than ever before, how big this world is.. and how I can only IMAGINE all of the things that plague these earthly inhabitants.. how many silent sufferers there are.. how much pain is out there; how much darkness, evil, and devastation.. (why has it always been so lovely to me?)
this life is pretty,
but it isn’t beautiful.
This life is fleeting..
and thank God, that’s wonderful —
because the best is yet to come.
That night, Jan and I stayed up LATE. We just, couldn’t sleep.. anticipating the long, 16 hour drive down south the next day. We laughed, and laughed, and.. couldn’t stop. We were just so giddy. And two french women had arrived on campus that day; they had flown in from France (for DLI classes) and we could hear these two, along with Cara (french classmate who had been there since first day of course), laughing, talking, carrying on until just about as late as we (Jan and I) did.
Eventually, I, in the bed across from Jan’s, just talked quietly to myself.. closing my eyes.. whisphering – in a hushed, antiquitious, english tone – the story of the Jews.
The way they dress themselves.. with their black and white clothing, tiny-to-large hats, long skirts on the ladies and tight lips worn by man and woman alike.. the many children they raise, all naive and unaware of the indoctrination taking place from birth,– of superiority to and alienation from the Gentiles, the non-Jews..
The way a man named Hitler annihilated thousands, millions, of beautiful human beings, in a silly campaign to produce a “better race..” how they were stripped of their clothing, their names, their belongings –
everything that identified them as individuals, and valuable human beings..
How numbers were tattooed on their wrists,
how they were coerced to work as slaves,
how they slept in piles,cold.. burning..
how they were forced to undergo medical “experiments,”
and how many died –
gassed to death, malnourished, sick and untreated.
Many reasons, all of them horrible, inhuman, awful, terrible, sick, twisted
My last words before falling asleep, were these..
“So whenever you see a Jew, smile at them..
whenever you see a Jew, smile at them.”
And that was my last audible breath,
at 2 in the morning.
Jan and I were awakened rudely at 7:40. Brother Stanford was announcing, loudly, from the dorm hallway, that we were setting out on the road in about 30-45 minutes. He continued to bellow these sentiments and so, in my nightgown, I stumbled to the door and assented, visually and audibly, letting him know that clearly we had heard him and he need continue the yelling no longer.
We had slept through *mandatory worship.. intentionally skipped. The alarm had gone off at 6:20 and.. we just knew it wasn’t happening.
And, we’re going to be fined.
Oh well.. it was necessary.
We had also violated the “sleepy time, quiet time” rule by being outside of the dorm past 10 (you recall; the midnight snack? yes). So, I found it interesting, as we were driving, pondering the two incidents..
how one violation led to the other. [In clear lines, staying up late.. caused us to sleep in late.]
Kinda like, how one sin – ‘aaaa’ transgression, ‘just oneee’ disobedience, in the spiritual realm – just paves the way for the next, and another, and.. all.
So yeah. We loaded all of our belongings into the tiny little car and Jan, Cara, Stanford and I began the journey to Atlanta. The rest were taking two other vehicles and would meet us the next day at the General Conference.
The drive went by slowly, but, it wasn’t horrible. It came to it’s end, as I knew it would. I slept, in awkward and various positions.. cuddled with Sticks (pictured; my cat baby.. Chris gave him to me!), listened to music, journaled, read, looked out the window and thought.
That’s one of my favorite things to do; think.
I drove for afewwww minutes, when we were in Virginia, but it started pouring and I get very nervous driving in the rain. So Stanford took back over. It was hot out (and yes, I did just state in the sentence previous that it was raining; it’s all good), and I had a t-shirt on.. meaning,
both of my tattoos were exposed.
I mean, when I first got “here,” I was very careful, to keep them covered, concealed.. but, lately, I’m just like – you know what, I’ve been here for a month now: if you don’t know me at this point, I’m so sorry. This – these – are a part of me, of my past. They were mistakes, yes — and they were
I dare say so.
I’ve changed; I hope you believe me..
if you don’t, not going to let it bother me.
🙂 I say this, in love.
By the time we got in last night, I was absolutely exhausted. Jan and I slept on a big floor-bed and were forced to get up at 8 this morning.
Sometimes, religious people are crazy.
We didn’t get in til about 12:30 [am], and weren’t settled in and ready to sleep til 1.
Do you REALLY think it’s necessary to get up THAT early after such a longgg drive and having kept such late hours?
Middle of the road, folks.
I’m going to have to ask you all to just calm down.
So, here I am now.
We’re heading to the GC tonight.. going to acquaint ourselves with the area and, I guess, begin passing out cds/ magazines/ literature. We’ll be here (Atlanta), until, most likely, nexxxxt Sunday – 4th of July.
I’m not scared like I was.
The way I see it is,
if God is for us – who can be against us?
And if God isn’t in this.. it will come to naught.
As I continue to study, I’m praying for the truth to become amazingly clear..
and as of now,
I think I’ve found it.