And your eyes take the pictures. And your eyes just blink away the censure.

“Home;” New York.

We returned, some time earlier on this week.. was it Sunday? Technically, no.. it was Monday morning.

We left Atlanta Sunday, at 1230 pm.. and arrived in Mountaindale on “Monday,” at 4am —

   about 16 hours later.

It was, a great trip.. a wonderful experience.  Undeniably, a necessary one; it put things into perspective.. “who is a christian; what is SDAism all about; are God’s people consecrated to Him; are we surrendering all? we love to sing it, but is it true?”

I met with disappointment, and reality.

I met with opposition and.. hostility.

I met with WARMNESS, love and sincerity..

and from the surface, which is all that I can judge by,

I met with people

from different places

with different hurts,

fears,

and faces.

Laboring under the sun, for a week.. was a pleasure, and, I really didn’t consider it a “sacrifice.”  It was just something I wanted to do; I believed in what I was passing out — that it was timely and inspired, full of integrity and the Lord’s counsel — and so, it just seemed necessary.. natural.. to want to, to do so.

The sun. 

She has seen so much; she, hasn’t changed.. never died to ‘come back’ again.. hasn’t passed away, and left offspring

to reign.  She is always there, has always been, since the “beginning.”  I wonder if she thinks, or feels..

smiles, or knows..

cries or

laments, regrets anything?

Christopher did come and visit me.

He arrived Friday afternoon, and left the same on Sunday.

It was, amazing.

Words,- elaborate descriptions, pretty imagery, deeply thought out and well paved analogies just,

couldn’t do any justice.

So I’m  just going to say that..

I love him.

I trust him.

I miss him..

I believe in us.

And he kissed me.

** Jan and I drove to Walmart yesterday.

And, a thought just occured to me.

Perhaps I need to.. state? make it clear?

That although I’m aware of the fact that acquaintances, friends, and family members read this (these, posts)..

I write with such openness, candor and simplicity because..

in my mind, I picture that, readers, are people who don’t know me.

Who have never seen my face,

spoken with me,

who don’t know who I am, where I’ve been, or where I want to go.

They’re just passing by; we’re strangers, I’m going this way,

and you’re going that way.  Maybe we’ll walk together for awhile, after stumbling

across eachother’s paths, and THEN part..

or, maybe you’ll find me interesting enough to change directions

and we can travel side by side.

Regardless, I’m writing for the people..

the people I don’t know..

and really,

I’m writing – mostly –

for me. 

So yeah, Jan and I went to walmart.  We’re, so awful.  Got junk food with our stipend money (I mean, besides toothpaste and facewash).. Chips A’hoy chocolate chunkkkk cookies, Little Debbie cosmic brownies, and Lays potato chips (not a huge fan of greasy, salty “stuff;” the latter was Jan’s indulgence).  We’re so bad, we got pints of our personal, all-time-favorite ice creams (mine; B&J chocolate fudge brownie.  Jan; Hagan Daz,.. something chocolate).  But yeah.  Tonight’s “dorm dinner” was cookies and chips.  I, felt pretty bad about it.  But, Chris wants me to gain weight, so, might as well have fun doing it.  🙂  (Wow! Doesn’t that sound ignorant! Jan said earlier, when I asked her to help me eat the cookies moderately, “do what makes you happy and follow God afterwards.”)

Haha, yes.  He wants me to gain weight.

And tonight I just realized.. I don’t know if I can.

It’s always been such a huge deal to me..  a way of avoiding feeling inferior;

being small, has always been a way of being in control,

staying in control..

protecting myself, my image.

I feel invulnerable, immune, confident, untouchable, almost invisible..

just because, I can, hide. 

And none of that makes sense.. but, it’s just always been a “security” thing.

I love Chris and want to make him happy,

but,

I just don’t know if I can walk in those shoes.**

The LORD, is good.

Someone very close to me (and, I wont give the name, just because, I don’t know if they’d really want to have their very personal business published), has decided to give the Shepherds Rod message a candid hearing.  How refreshing; there is so much blind PREJUDICE out there, — unwarranted, ignorant fear!.. as s/he has been reading, they have seen nothing but truth, hope and beauty.  It appears that it has given them nothing but joy.  It’s all Scriptural, sensible, timely. 

It’s almost like, in their newfound happiness,

I am falling in love with the truth, myself, all over again.

I have received encouragement (through observing this individual’s experience) to study, new motivation to be more dedicated, disciplined, committed,

informed.  I have resolved to be more intelligent, and perfectly, thoroughly acquainted with all the ‘details’ of my faith.

So yeah!  Back in NY, gave a presentation on Revelation 7 today.  God is good, I’m still learning,

about a lot of different things.  I see The Mountaindale Experience as.. a very huge time period in my life.

A lot has happened here, is happening, and WILL transpire.

I’m changing, growing.. being molded, being resistant..

taking in, and letting go –

shedding layers,

getting old,

FEELING, old.

I feel so old.

And I’ve felt this way for a long time.

But never in such a realistic, deep and heartfelt

way.

So on the way home from Walmart the other day..

there was a Jewish man on the side of the road;

he wanted, needed a ride.

I became so excited, BEGGED Jan (who accompanied me in the car; my foot had already started to brake and my hand was ready to put on the left-turn signal) to let me pull over and let him in.  She.. refused (I felt obliged to get her permission, as I would not be endangering my own life onlyyy – which wouldn’t have been enough to deter me – but I WOULD, in truth, be removing her from a position of almost absolute safety) and.. although I tried to persuade her to reconsider for afew minutes after passing, we continued to drive campus-ward, — it was to no avail.

All things happen for a reason, maybe it was best that way..

but, I just thought it would have been neat.

An honor, and neat:

to actually, have a Jew – a real, hardcore, “no-joke” Jew – get into a Gentile-girl’s car..

and to, perhaps, hold conversation with such a fascinating creature.

Jews are so different, they are so intriguing.

It’s a one sided relationship,

but,

I see every Jew as being one of my best, coolest friends.

-Aun Aqui

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